God's will

I have been lost....for a long time. I am, and always have been, a believer in Christ. I KNOW Christ died on the cross to wash away my sins. I still wandered through my life lost......occasionally God would take the wheel and get me back on course but as soon as things started looking up again I would snatch back the controls. I can see now I have always been a controlling person. A friend told me years ago that I was passive agressive and those words still ring in my head today. She was right.....I do things in a passive manner to hurt people who get near to my heart. Its something I have done for many years and it is destroying me. I can say I love someone but my actions would not show it.......oh I could convince them at first but the ugly truth (my selfish, controlling, jealous behavior) would soon rear its ugly head and I would slowly (or sometimes not so slowly) push the person away. I have done this to some truly remarkable people. I have done this to some truly UNremarkable people a well. I know not what God has in my future but I do know He has a plan for me. I have a "plan" of sorts as to what and I want but I know I have to let Him take control and if what I want is truly meant to be then it will happen. I am willing to lose my "plan" if its not in His will. It scares me but the peace of knowing I am doing His will atones for that fright. I have wandered this world alone for most of my life. God has given me so many chances and I have let Him and myself and so many others down. I pray for strength each and every day to be the man I need to be. I think I am on the right track now and will hopefully expand on this mission in the very near future. It is a scary thing in this brutal economic time to even consider a change but if thats what it takes then I am willing to do it. Please pray for me in my coming days as I see how God will use me.

I am a sinner.
I have failed to live the life that is pleasing to God.
I have been selfish.
I have been controlling.
I have been jealous.
I have been self-centered.
I have done things out of spite to ones who love me.
I have neglected my family.
Doesnt sound like too good of a resume huh? The thing thats wonderful is I KNOW God has a plan and all I have to do is let him take control. God, I am yours. Use me to make a difference. Teach me to love as You love. Help me to feed the hungry and clothe the poor. Let me use my position and knowledge for the good of many. I seek You out. I am yours.