An inward look at myself

How many of use ever really truly look at ourselves as others might see us? I am not talking about the "wonder if she thinks I look handsome?" or "does she want to jump me right here and make love?" type of questions. I think someone looking at me sees sadness with a outer ring of happiness. In other words too often I put up a "halo" of sorts to make myself APPEAR happy to others. I am not truly happy as I can be though. I am alone. I hate being alone but I try to make it seem like I do not hate it but it shows to the observant eye (and now to the ones who read this blog...both of them). I shared a portion of a Maya Angelou poem with a Gem of a friend this afternoon. Remarkable how some poems hit so close to home. I hope she does not mind me sharing this portion of it with everyone else as well. Its not like the poem cannot be found in its entirety on the
Interweb .
Alone by Maya Angelou

Lying, thinking

Last night

How to find my soul a home

Where water is not thirsty

And bread loaf is not stone

I came up with one thing

And I don't believe I'm wrong

That nobody,But nobody

Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone

Nobody, but nobody

Can make it out here alone

Now if you listen closely

I'll tell you what I know

Storm clouds are gathering

The wind is gonna blow

The race of man is suffering

And I can hear the moan,

'Cause nobody,

But nobody

Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone

Nobody, but nobody

Can make it out here alone

________________________________

Such a brilliant woman is she. Now looking back in at myself, I do feel alone but knowing I am so far from being alone in this feeling makes me feel strangely alive...like although I am alone, there are so many others like myself who fear being alone yet continue on the path to happiness. Sometimes this path will cross anothers path but every once in a while these paths cross at the exact moment the other person is coming to the intersection too....that, my friend is what I am looking for....the intersection of my path with the one who will make me NOT alone....two paths converging as one....a larger path, filled with even more happiness....real happiness ...and no more "alone". Now who else is on these paths right now? Come lets go for a walk and see if our paths might cross.

Scary what one sees when looking inwardly huh? Even more scary is sharing your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. I am not scared of this at all though for the most part. I am most scared of dying alone.

Stoney